I hate getting sad out of nowhere. I woke up this morning feeling great but then in the middle of the day I got angry and then sad. Now I’m doubting myself over every little thing and feel like I want to cry. Why can’t I just be happy and normal?
Beefy
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School always reminds you how insignificant you are. I know none of my friends or teachers care about me, and I can’t even fake it anymore.
joo
ϟThe Chosen Oneϟ
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I think the reason I'm so fucked up is because of my former best friend. They made me feel happy and comfortable until one day they sent me a message about their feelings. Feelings I didn't have but I agreed with them because I didn't want to lose a friend. They ignored me. They pretended I didn't exist. Invited me to things I liked then uninvited me as punishment. I cried and had breakdowns because of them. And I'm still hung up over how shitty they made me feel. This is why I can't trust people. Why I don't socialise. People don't care about me, why should I put effort into something like that if people don't care?
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I'm finding it oddly relaxing to just scratch. I can't help but wonder if I could take it further. Relax more.
i hate feeling like this. What am I so depressed over? There’s no reason for this.
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i wish it would stop. I’m doubting everything again. I know it is all fine. I wish my brain would shut up.
Beefy
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Well
When will my mom realize that no...it's not that I can't go to concerts. No, it's not because I'm not allowed to do things.
It's because you never listen to me and tell me to stop talking about my depression because it'll make you depressed. This is part of the reason I'm getting further from religion, it becomes the answer to everything and never lets me seek actual help. I keep telling her but she never listens, no one ever does and it fucks me up. I get along with her all the time but she's lowkey toxic as hell. It's crazy. If I go she'll care then but now she just ignores it. She says she listens but never does, truly never does. And I don't know what's it like to have parents that listen? That show actual concern? Like it wild.
I can't wait till I get to college and get to have actual medical help. Because for now, prayer isn't doin' shit
It's because you never listen to me and tell me to stop talking about my depression because it'll make you depressed. This is part of the reason I'm getting further from religion, it becomes the answer to everything and never lets me seek actual help. I keep telling her but she never listens, no one ever does and it fucks me up. I get along with her all the time but she's lowkey toxic as hell. It's crazy. If I go she'll care then but now she just ignores it. She says she listens but never does, truly never does. And I don't know what's it like to have parents that listen? That show actual concern? Like it wild.
I can't wait till I get to college and get to have actual medical help. Because for now, prayer isn't doin' shit
i wish there’s a way for me to completely wipe these memories out of my head so that i don’t have to feel so awful and guilty every time these memories suddenly popped up in my head. i truly don’t want to remember any memories from those bad times in my life but they just keep haunting me and im so exhausted and tired
joo
ϟThe Chosen Oneϟ.
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I’m tired. I’m mentally exhausted and I’m messing things up. I don’t want to think or feel anything anymore. I’ve always been better off alone and need to stay that way.
I don’t want to try anymore. I just want everything to go away.
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I feel guilty about the smallest things... what's wrong with me
I’m not alright. At all. The alternative is looking better every day.
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Knowing that tomorrow and the days after I'll wake up alone with no one by my side, no one to talk to...it scares me. Will this loneliness be forever? I don't know. I realize now what a great friend I lost. The only one I can talk to and come to any time. I wish we can be friends again but I've hurt you too much. This is a just punishment for me I guess, so I'll carry this yoke.
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I pushed to get a tutorial with my personal tutor because I know she doesn't judge me and I finally told her I had a lot on at home and it was getting me down. I probably shouldn't have struggled to answer whether I'd thought of harming myself or not but I don't know, it's not really like that most of the time? She told me to email the counselling team and arrange a session with them so I have. I don't know how much I'll manage to tell counsellers or whether me struggling to say things will make them think I'm a total depressive case (which maybe I am, I don't know...) but it's a step in the right direction.
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LITERALLY can you stop being selfish and sentimental over shit for once??? You're forever telling me to throw out my stuff that I don't use anymore but I try and send a few DVDs to charity that you've never watched and that you've TOLD ME you have no intention to watch and suddenly it's the end of the world? Grow up you're nearly 50 pal...